Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
