I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
