my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
