Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
