eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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