For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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