I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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