last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
