If i come over, it means nothing
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
