I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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