Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
