I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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