Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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