I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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