Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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