Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
