Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
