The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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