i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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