I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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