when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
