Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
