Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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