I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
