I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
