I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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