I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
