Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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