Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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