This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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