"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
