I wanna bring you to show and tell
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
