Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
