now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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