I faked an abortion last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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