The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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