Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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