So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You're like the curious george of whores
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
