Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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