I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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