My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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