Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
