I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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