I wish I could teleport
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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