There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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