Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
