I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
