a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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