It's Friday. Sex?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
