You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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