Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
