if you like me you must not know who I am
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
