there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
