So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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