Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
