I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I faked an abortion last night.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
